Tuesday, January 26, 2016

 

Winter Yuks



How Punny

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

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Glasgow Cop

A smart arse London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by  a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

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Dealing with the squirrel problem...

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
 
At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.
   
The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim; so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
 
The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
 
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
 
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

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The Bar After the Election

A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.  He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.  So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.  This infuriates the union official.

The union guy once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican?  I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me.  Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

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He Knocked on the Door

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness  ..."   

I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"    

He said, "Darned if I know. I've never got this far before."

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