Monday, March 19, 2012
Humor for March
In observance of St. Paddy’s Day
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and
couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up
me Irish Whiskey!"
couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up
me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
------------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the
first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you
want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean
to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought
you were getting a group together to go right now."
------------
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth
time, Paddy went over to
him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
------------
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I
died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye
callin' from?'
------------
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's
done it again!'
------------
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
'Pour me a stiff one - just had
another fight with the little woman.'
another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her
hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!
What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
------------
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with
his drinking buddy, Paddy. He
took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but
misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.
misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his
pants, and looked in the hall mirror
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his
head and butt and Kathleen
staring at him from across the room.
staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it
could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Aphorisms
1. The nicest thing about the future is … that it always
starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't
have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in
deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager
who wants to stay out all night?
who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important … because they
demonstrate how many people a
company can operate without.
company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy
who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be
the right number.
the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their
team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print … there's no way
you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around
with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Cadillac
than in a Yugo.
than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you're probably dead.
20. Remember, politicians and diapers should be changed
often … and for the same reason.
A Police Stop at 2 a.m.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is
asked where he is going at this
time of night.
time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about
alcohol abuse and the effects it has on
the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that
lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
