A Little Levity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY ( as well as the idiosyncrasies of  English)

     1.  ONE  TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,  FLOOR!

     3.  ATHEISM IS  A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

     4. IF  MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL  HAVE MONKEYS AND  APES?

     5.  THE MAIN  REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS  LIVE.

     6.  I WENT TO A  BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD  DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

     7.   WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL  QUESTIONS?

     8.  IF A  DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

     9.  IF  SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

     10.   IS  THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR  SYNONYM?

     11.  WHERE DO  FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT  ALL?'

     12.  WHAT DO YOU  DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

     13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER  IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS  WAGES?

     14.  WOULD A FLY  WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A  WALK?

     15.  WHY DO THEY  LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?  ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN  THEM?

     16.  If A TURTLE  DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR  NAKED?

     17.  CAN  VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL  CRACKERS?

     18.  IF THE  POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN  SILENT?

     21.  WHAT WAS  THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED  BREAD?

     22.  ONE NICE  THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

     24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO  HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

     25.   IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN  TOO?

     26.  IF YOU ATE  BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

     27.  IF  YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU  DONE?

     28.  WHOSE CRUEL  IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

     29.  WHY ARE  HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

     30.  WHY  IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT  THEM?

     31.  WHY IS THERE  AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR  CREAM?

     32.  IF YOU SPIN  AN  ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES  DO THEY BECOME  DISORIENTED?

     33.  CAN  AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF  GOD?

Dreaded call

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

Angels Explained By Children

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

-Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
-Olive, age 9


It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8


Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6


Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10


Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6


Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9


My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
- Vicki , age 8


What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
-Sarah, age 7

MEN!!!! 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Ohio State!"

And they say blondes are dumb.... 

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." 

The woman replies, "I'll miss you."

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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. 

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? 

A: A rumor.

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Dear Lord, 

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 

Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. 

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. 

AMEN 

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Q: Why do little boys whine? 

A: They are practicing to be men. 

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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? 

A: Trustworthy

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. 

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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? 

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.. 

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals.' 

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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.