Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Humor to Welcome Spring
Hubby helps out in a snowstorm
Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home.
"Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a moment I thought I was dragging you down the highway."
"And you didn't stop?"
Trying to help a patient
When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.
The next day my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
'Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
The Final Question
A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?” Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used Up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well … blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
“I need an answer,” said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Yes, that is my final answer.”
And Meredith replied, “That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
“Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.”
Random Thoughts
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do you swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Old is When …
Your sweetie says, “Let's go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!”
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action” means you don't need to take any fiber today.
“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
An “al- nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
