Friday, March 06, 2009

 

Levity for a March Friday



Martha Stewart Versus Maxine


*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way*
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, f or Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!



*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way*
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.



*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring t he baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way*
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.



*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

*Maxine's Way*
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'



*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way*
Celery? Never heard of it!



*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.



*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine's Way*
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! 'All' your pains go away.



*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way*
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.



*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way*
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!



Norma

A sweet grandmother telephoned the hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “'I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The Operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The Grandmother said, “Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The Grandmother said, “No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything.”




What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds, including the urn.



Ode to Corporate America

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources Rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader said. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”



It Took Me All Weekend

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

“Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

~ Jack Handy

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“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”

~Frank Sinatra

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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

“When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”

~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack. To me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it's like this …
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

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