A Little Levity

Morris & Esther's ride in the helicopter at the state fair

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars. And fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and Fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther thought about it for a little w hile, then agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of 'fancy maneuvers', but not a word was heard.

He did his 'dare-devil tricks' over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm really very impressed how well you did!"

Morris replied...."Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know......fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Church Restoration Project

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Scotch & Water

An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one as well."

The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up." As he puts the drink down in front of her, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The 80 year-old replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... "duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid..... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing..... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm..... car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C"..... isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days..... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911..... "duh".... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

An inspirational story

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God asa scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

The Drunken Broad

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, when the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"